Dilara Ruby Jaeger
Dilara's pictures are at the bottom of this page as well as a section for comments.
Fun Facts about Dilara
Her Name:
Dilara (pronounced Dee-lah-rah) means "ornament of the heart". We both loved this name when we first met in 1998. When we found out we were having a baby girl, we decided to name her Dilara.
Ruby is Tim's maternal grandmother's name. She was an inspirational women to both of us. She passed a few years ago when we were visiting her in Canada. She was very intelligent, a kind person and the "perfect" grandma.
Dilara's Ancestry:
Dilara's ancestry is Turkish, German, Icelandic, English and Scottish. Being born in Ireland to naturalised Irish parents, she will also have three citizenships from birth.
Dilara is very active, she is extroverted like her father, has no problem voicing her mind like both her parents, especially when hungry. She loves company. She has very high expectations of herself and gets disappointed when she doesn't meet her targets. Since she's been 5-weeks old, we've given her lots of tummy time and opportunities to start moving on her own. Her father even showed her how to crawl and do push ups and Dilara tries to mimic this.
Her Favourite Songs:
Dilara's favourite songs are usually anything played on the piano. She adores the piano. Even in the womb, she would kick to songs played on the piano. When I played her Mozart with belly buds, she only kicked on one song, it was his Turkish March.
Her favourite songs after birth (those that get her to relax even if she's having a bad day) are:
Benedetta Caretta's version of Dance Monkey
Benedetta Caretta's version of Wish You Were Here
The Beatles Hey Jude (we usually make up our own version using Dilara's name)
When she was angry one day, I played her AC/DC's Thunderstruck to match the mood and she fell right asleep
Her favourite piano tunes (those she also loved and danced to in the womb):
Pascal Wintz's version of Green Onions
Pascal Wintz's version of the Ray Charles classic Georgia On My Mind
Our wedding song Fly Me to the Moon
Dilara's Birth Story
Summary of Birth Story
We had an unmedicated natural home birth for Dilara followed by a transfer to hospital to have stitches on me (Asli) as well as to monitor vitals due to blood loss. The birth itself was a story in itself, the long version is below. The midwives argued among themselves, stalled active labour and then told me it was "anatomically impossible" to birth the baby at home without intervention. They called an ambulance, despite my objections, took out episiotomy scissors when I said "not a chance". I confined myself in the privacy of our bathroom, asked them to leave and birthed the baby a few minutes later. Tim caught the baby and also cut the cord long after it stopped pulsating.
Full Birth Story
Mom (Asli) and Dad (Tim) have been together for over 24 years, are best friends, business partners, soul mates. We waited a long time before deciding to have children as we didn’t feel ready.
The first trimester of pregnancy was a bit challenging for me (Asli). I started having bleeding early on in pregnancy so wasn’t sure what to think about it all. We told about pregnancy to immediate family (parents and brother) and asked to keep it private. I started taking bio-identical progesterone cream and pessaries. There is much research on this and published medical journal articles. There is one specific article that talks about over 8 thousand babies being saved in the UK alone in 1 year from taking progesterone for early pregnancy bleeding. Worth a look at for anyone who has similar symptoms.
The second trimester was a completely different challenge. We knew baby was well and fine, especially after the 20-week scan and it’s all that mattered to us. We decided to have a home birth. We looked long and hard for a midwife, but there wasn’t one in our area until the third trimester of pregnancy. We considered free birthing too, which means you basically do it on your own at home with no assistance or some minor assistance from other women. Living 10 minutes away from the maternity hospital, this seemed like a valid plan B option if no midwife could be found to assist medically at home.
The third trimester was a different story. I continued all my hospital appointments as if I was going to have a hospital birth which was plan C or D or even E just not A or B. We weren’t closed to going to hospital if needed, we just don’t see it as the first option for ourselves provided we are healthy. There were too many birth stories we’ve witnessed speaking of the cascade of interventions and the medicalisation of birth. Just like we treat our soils, our food supply, and our health; the chemicalisation of birth is not something we wanted to undergo unless necessary. When saying that, there is no judgement against any women who went for elective C-Sections or for those who felt more comfortable in a hospital setting. As a birthing mama, one needs to do what is right for their baby and for themselves. For us, this is what felt right, it aligned with our values, with our lifestyle and what we wanted to give our child during her first introduction to our world. The hospital system in Ireland is known to push for inductions (especially at my age), for as many scans as possible (although scans aren’t as accurate as parents are led to believe nor are they supposed to be used as a diagnostic tool) and for synthetic oxytocin to start labour early, then offering pain relief like epidural to endure the pain caused by such medication, then forceps/vacuum/emergency C-section for the mama that simply cannot push as she feels disconnected from the waist down and brain down as natural oxytocin, the love and birth hormone has effectively disappeared. We didn’t want any of this if it could be prevented, we did far too much research into pregnancy to know this was all the norm for something mamas have been doing for millennia naturally. I felt it was my birth right, my rite of passage to birth our baby without any of this. The hospital “advice” which was more procedure based than science based started at week 28, then again 29, then again 34 so I just simply discontinued going for hospital checks after that. On my last conversation with the hospital, I told them that I was grateful for their follow up and if I needed them for any further intervention, I knew they were there. They knew our thoughts, had our birth plan in case transfer was required and also shared the following points that the OB/GYN at the hospital agreed with: the extra risk of older mamas birthing babies after week 39 of pregnancy compared to a younger mama is less than 1% based on their stats, that the average first time mama has her baby at 41 weeks + 1 day not 39 weeks, that the baby not being born early may be an indication that the baby needs to further develop before coming into this world, that there is research (file was ready to give to hospital docs) showing evidence that excessive scanning is actually damaging to baby (happy to share if anyone wants the research), etc… They had no logical reason other than “this is hospital protocol” for any further intervention. As people of logical/critical thinking, that didn’t fly with us.
Labour started exactly when expected for average first-time mothers, on week 41 according to our calculations and 41+2 according to hospital 20-week scan. We contacted our midwife about 3am when I felt the contractions were a sign of labour. For anonymity, I will call our midwife Mary and the second midwife Jane. Mary arrived between 5am and 5:30am. She confirmed labour has started and gave notification to Jane that this was the case. Tim had the birth pool ready with vitamin C filtered water, we also had a CUB Chair (Comfortable Upright Birthing Chair) and an exercise mat covered with towels, sheets, and incontinence pads to make it both comfortable and easier clean-up. Labour was in total 12 hours of which the last 4 hours were pushing. Our intention was to birth at home and Mary knew our birth plan, our goals, and our philosophy ahead of time, she also had kids. Jane was aware of the birth plan, did not have kids, was not of the same philosophy but was told she was still required to attend. The first 8 hours of labour were fine with contractions getting stronger and more regular. We decided to make use of the birthing pool when contractions were so strong, I had to brace myself for dear life. Although Tim was in the pool with me, when I was at the peak of contractions, I couldn’t have anyone touch me for any reason. It was like being carried out of this world to a different dimension and any touch or discussion would hold me in between the two worlds so I needed this lack of human contact. At this stage Jane brought the doppler and said, “OMG I cannot detect a heart rate get out of the pool so we can get you to hospital”. I knew the baby was fine as I could feel the kicks. Furthermore, on Tim’s request the doppler was used on his heart and could not detect his heartbeat either. Mary was still relaxed and fine with all this, but Jane insisted that we must keep trying to get the doppler to detect the heart rate – this lacked logic and common sense. This is all mid-contractions and active labour with me telling Jane repeatedly to please relax, to stop arguing with me, Tim, or Mary, that I was having full on contractions and having discussions with her was stalling labour. Jane had no intention to give us any kind of space which really should have been my queue to ask her to leave regardless of their protocol. Mary took her Pinard which is a wooden tool to measure baby’s heart rate and confirmed all was great and positive. Instead of being happy, Jane said Mary would now need to measure the heart rate manually every 5 minutes. I told her there was no chance this was going to happen, asked her to please leave the room. I went out of the pool, onto the exercise mat and CUB chair. The CUB chair was not strong enough for me to brace myself when contractions arrived, and I was told I really needed to push at this point. They brought our wooden squatty potty type of step from upstairs, asked me to sit on it and push as hard as I can. Mary motivated me by holding a mirror and saying I was so close that I can see the baby’s hair and we were nearly there. I was exhausted and although I was instructed to push as hard as I can, I felt like the progress was very slow and contractions were no longer as active and strong. I turned to Tim and Mary to ask if they believed I can have this baby at home, they both said: “absolutely yes”, Jane shrugged her shoulders to express her scepticism. I told her that if she wants to be part of this birth team, she needed to change her approach as a midwife. She got up and came near to help more with the pushing aspect. As Mary had her hand near the baby’s head so I can know exactly where to push (honestly, not sure this had any benefit, in fact may have made it more difficult as I feel very connected to both baby and body and this was hurting me), I was leaning against Tim on the squatty potty device and Jane had me push my foot on her ribs saying this all can help. I was exhausted, none of this was working and although we all gave it our best, I felt I had no energy left in me to continue doing what wasn’t working. At the point new discussions took place, a large pair of surgical scissors came out. I was told an ambulance would need to be called as it was “anatomically impossible” for me to birth the baby due to hymenal remains blocking the canal so although I pushed, the remains were holding the baby back. They said an episiotomy would now need to take place. I said, “not a chance”, I’ve come this far without the need for intervention, that I would have no part in it. They said it was the only option to continue having this baby from home and I’ve now pushed for 4 hours so it’s either that or going to hospital. I declined both options and said I will have this baby at home, with or without their help. They said why don’t you go upstairs to use the toilet and that perhaps the walk up the stairs or using the toilet may be of benefit. I went upstairs with massive help. The ladies went into the hallway at which point Jane swayed Mary, an ambulance was called despite my objections, that they had to protect their registration and their insurance. I said so this is no longer about our baby’s safety but their insurance now. I said: “that’s it, you’re out” something I should have done long ago. They tried to come into the bathroom. I looked at Tim, I said: “Tim, I will birth this baby from home, you are either with me or not, if you are with me, make sure neither of these two come in the bathroom and stay by my side, if you are not with me, get out and let me birth the baby by myself, just make sure you have no one enter my birthing space”. Tim said: “of course I’m with you but the ambulance will be here any minute now, we are running out of time”. I told him I knew but I would still have the baby at home, that I know it in my heart, and I feel that going to the toilet progressed the birth, that I can feel the baby’s head coming out at this stage. As the midwives tried to make their way in, Tim mentioned this to Mary who completely agreed and wanted to help but Jane wanted more evidence and said I had to prove this was really the case despite Mary had already touched and felt so. I said: “no, I don’t need to prove anything to you, get out”. Jane hesitantly left. Tim pointed out that we can hear sirens now and that was my ambulance. He said: “Asli, this is your chance, you know when that ambulance shows up your time is up, if you are going to birth this baby at home, you need to do it now”. I said: “Tim, the baby’s head is crowning I can feel the ring of fire, I’m not going anywhere, I just need a few more minutes”. The ambulance came seconds later, Tim asked what we do now, I said “Tim get the door and tell them I’m fine, I just need a few minutes”. As soon as Tim left, I felt the baby’s head was about to come out, I called Mary. Jane came in, I told her I didn’t want to see her, it was Mary I had called. After all she wasn’t part of the birth team, she didn’t believe and if I wanted any midwife there it would be Mary. Mary came running up the stairs, rushed in and said: “OMG Asli, get up get up” and screamed “Tim”. It felt like Tim was there within a second to catch the baby’s head and body. Unlike all the birthing videos I watched, our baby came out in one shot, there was no second pushing after the head came out for the shoulders, it was just the one solid push. Tim was in tears, Mary had the baby up against my chest, I grabbed her and said: “Hosgeldin Dilara” (Welcome Dilara). We made our way down as the ambulance crew was at the door congratulating us. They were told that we are fine, and their help was not needed.
After the birth, I laid on the exercise mat, took Sabina 30C (homeopathic remedy shared by a friend) and smelled Clary Sage oil which all helped to birth the placenta within 55 minutes. I lost a lot of blood in the process. Mary mentioned I had third degree tearing and she had to call a second ambulance to get me stitched up at the hospital. She also mentioned that I lost near 2 litres of blood. I objected a little but gave in as my goal was to have a home birth naturally. That goal was achieved. I needed to now recover quickly so I can get onto a healthy breastfeeding start. I took the second ambulance with Dilara, and Tim followed us by car. Mary had called the hospital and shared all relevant information including my birth plan which was in my file at the hospital. A team of 15 to 20 people were waiting for me at theatre (for friends and family in Canada, this is the term used here for the room were surgeries take place). This was made up of midwives, nurses, doctors, and a professor consultant. They took amazing care of me. I asked for them to please let Tim come in as he’s probably outside wondering how his wife and child are doing. They let him in and handed him Dilara. I had a second-degree tear not third which meant I didn’t need general anaesthesia or a spinal. The stitching was done by a pro. I did an antigen test on their request but declined the PCR test. They said they couldn’t admit me to hospital without it. I said: “great, don’t admit me then!” so they didn’t. Officially I never got admitted. I then told them I would not be staying unless Tim can. They said without the PCR test, we would be a risk to other women sharing the room and the husbands wouldn’t be allowed either. I told them I had no problem leaving. They came back getting approval for us to have a private room in the labour ward as a family and not the main hospital itself, to bypass all this PCR mumbo jumbo (high cycle threshold, possible false positives in a low prevalence setting, etc) and to let Tim stay with me. The hospital staff were truly amazing and I’m glad we went. If I had to do it all again, provided I am healthy, I would prefer to do it at home again with Tim and a birth worker (one that is not insured for midwifery so no administrative requirements or discussions) and call an ambulance after the fact to do all the hospital checks. We left after one night. Nothing was done to Dilara at hospital other than checking her weight and height on our request as well as listening to her heart.
The days following birth were very challenging. It took me near 2 weeks to be able to get out of bed and walk. Tim pointed out he cleaned at least a litre of blood off the bathroom mats, so I lost more than 3 litres not less than 2. That’s more than half my blood. Dilara was well but I had trouble breastfeeding due to sore nipples and not knowing how to breastfeed. I’m still on my breastfeeding journey and am doing my best. Many lessons have been learned throughout this process. I have the utmost respect for all parents including mine. I had no idea how hard the first weeks would be. I choose to continue to stay at home with Dilara for the first 6 weeks, but a large part of recovery took place in 2-3 weeks.
Dilara is well overall. Anything that we had issues with was from our lack of knowledge and understanding in her needs. We had our first smiles (probably reflex) on day 5 and our first socially cued smile on day 27, our first words that sounded like hi on week 4.5 - sounded like her repeating hi and Anne (mother in Turkish). Tim already is working on helping her expand her crawling ability and we aren’t at week 5 yet. Dilara was 45 cm and 3.2kgs/7 lbs at birth with navy blue eyes and golden-brown hair with some ruby in it. Her hair is lighter now and eyes are still changing in colour but are turquoise and gray. It took her about 3-4 weeks to gain her birth weight. She is now about 3.6kgs/8 lbs, and 54.5 cm. She was born on Easter Monday, Ramadan, year of the Tiger and is an Aries. She is a tigress and has no issues expressing her needs.
Tim was instrumental in my recovery and Dilara’s wellbeing. He gave more support than anyone could have asked for, from arranging organic bone broths to making them, cooking, physically running the home and every errand not to mention the psychological support on my most difficult days.
My parents took over after week 3 at which point Tim returned to work. We were overwhelmed and in tears from the support from patients and gifts for Dilara. My parents are a life vest for us, helping with aspects of everything from cooking to helping Dilara sleep. We also worked with a doula and breastfeeding coach to help persevere in this matter. It hasn’t been easy but feel like we are doing better in understanding our daughter and doing our best for her.
We thank everyone who supported us through this journey.
